Being Direct is a crucial step toward compliance!
SPECIFIC
POSTIVE
APPROPRIATE
INDIVIDUAL
RESPECTFUL
ESSENTIAL
GIVE CHOICES
NEUTRAL TONE
PRAISE for COMPLIANCE!!!!!
Be Specific with your commands
There is a greater chance of getting the behavior you desire if the child is given a specific command. Tell your child exactly what you want him/her to do. For example, instead of “play nicely”, a more specific command could be:
“Please place the toys quietly on the table”
“Please keep your hand to yourself”
Every Command Positively Stated
Avoid using NO DON’T STOP QUIT and NOT. These words are a subtle form of criticism and causes some children to respond by doing exactly what you’ve told them not to do. Instead, provide a command that is instructive. Provide a command that tells the child what to do rather than what not to do. For example, many children enjoy jumping on the bed. A common response would be to tell the child to “stop jumping on the bed,” or “quit it.” A positively stated command would be to instruct the child as to what you want them to do, such as:
“Please sit on the couch”
“Please put your feet on the ground:
“Please jump up and down on the floor”
Developmentally Appropriate
It is important that you give commands that the child is developmentally able to follow. Each child’s age and mental maturity level is unique, so it is important to have different expectations for younger than you would for older children. Some commands may be too difficult for some children to complete. For example, a three year old may have difficulty clearing his plate from the table without spilling. A four year old may have trouble closing a button fly on his jeans.
Individual Rather Than Compound
Instructions should be given one at a time, rather than stringing several commands together. Many younger children and children with attention problems cannot easily remember multiple commands. In fact, when given multiple instructions, some children may not remember anything other that the first or the last command, which results in their not doing what you want them to do. Thus, give one command at a time. For example: the first command may be:
“Please put your shoes away.”
After this is successfully completed, the second command may be:
“Please wash your hands for dinner.”
Respectful and Polite
Starting instructions with “Please” is respectful, and helps to teach respect and manners to the child.
“Please put the toy on the shelf”
Essential Commands Only
Because some children often fail to comply with commands, parents give many commands ‘one right after another.’ When a child hears too many commands, they are likely to ignore them and not comply. They simply become overloaded with the number of commands. Therefore, reserve commands for times when it is important for your child to comply. If your child does not obey, you will need to be ready to follow through with consequences.
Choices When Appropriate
Giving your child the opportunity to make choices can help him/her become more independent and develop problem solving skills. Being able to choose gives children more control over their behavior. For example, you might say
“It’s time to clean up. You can put away the cars or the blocks first.”, or
“It’s time to go. You can put on your tennis shoes or your boots.”
Tone of Voice is Neutral
Give all commands in a neutral, firm, calm, and matter-of-fact manner. Avoid angry, frustrated, pleading or loud tones. Parents often talk about having to raise their voices to get their child to hear them. Some parents feel that their child is “hard of hearing”, when in fact the child has learned to “tune them out.” Avoid repeating commands in a loud voice as this can be very frustrating for a parent, and leads to irritation with the child.
Predictable and Consistent Response
Command → Comply → Praise!
In all instances, after a command is given and the child complies, it is important to follow –up with praise. Consistency is the key: it allows the child to learn that you are predictable. When the child complies and behaves appropriately, you will respond positively, and when the child does not listen, or behaves incorrectly, you will respond with a consequence. If you are consistent with this sequence of events, your child will want to comply with your directives not only to please you, but also because a predictable reward will be given for his/her efforts.
There are many ways that you can compliment (praise) your child for appropriate behaviors and compliance. Making a list of favorite things your child likes to eat, receive, or do would be helpful. Be sure to have a variety of choices to keep your child interested and wanting the reward. Provide lots of verbal praises, giving hugs, a pat on the shoulder, or kiss, clapping your hands or doing high fives are all ways to express your approval. Other rewards could include earning stickers, gaining privileges, or being allowed to participate in a special activity.
Adapted from: PCIT Sheila Eyberg, University of Florida
