8 Great Reasons to Tell the Truth

1. Telling the truth lets everyone know what really happened.  There’s less chance of misunderstandings, confusion, or conflict.
2. Telling the truth protects innocent people from being blamed or punished.
3. Telling the truth allows everyone to learn from what happened. 
4. You usually get into less trouble for telling the truth than for lying (and getting caught).
5. Other people trust you more when you tell the truth.
6. You don’t have to tell more lies to keep your story straight.
7. You gain a reputation for being truthful – a trait that most people value.
8. Telling the truth helps you feel secure and peaceful inside.

Being Direct

Being Direct lets the child know exactly how you expect him/her to behave.
Being Direct is a crucial step toward compliance!

SPECIFIC   
POSTIVE   
APPROPRIATE   
INDIVIDUAL   
RESPECTFUL    
ESSENTIAL       
GIVE CHOICES   
NEUTRAL TONE   

PRAISE for COMPLIANCE!!!!!

Be Specific with your commands
There is a greater chance of getting the behavior you desire if the child is given a specific command.  Tell your child exactly what you want him/her to do.  For example, instead of “play nicely”, a more specific command could be:
“Please place the toys quietly on the table”
“Please keep your hand to yourself”

Every Command Positively Stated
Avoid using  NO   DON’T   STOP   QUIT   and   NOT.  These words are a subtle form of criticism and causes some children to respond by doing exactly what you’ve told them not to do.  Instead, provide a command that is instructive.  Provide a command that tells the child what to do rather than what not to do.  For example, many children enjoy jumping on the bed. A common response would be to tell the child to “stop jumping on the bed,” or “quit it.”  A positively stated command would be to instruct the child as to what you want them to do, such as:
                “Please sit on the couch”
                “Please put your feet on the ground:
                “Please jump up and down on the floor”

Developmentally Appropriate
It is important that you give commands that the child is developmentally able to follow.  Each child’s age and mental maturity level is unique, so it is important to have different expectations for younger than you would for older children.  Some commands may be too difficult for some children to complete.  For example, a three year old may have difficulty clearing his plate from the table without spilling.  A four year old may have trouble closing a button fly on his jeans.

Individual Rather Than Compound
Instructions should be given one at a time, rather than stringing several commands together.  Many younger children and children with attention problems cannot easily remember multiple commands.  In fact, when given multiple instructions, some children may not remember anything other that the first or the last command, which results in their not doing what you want them to do.  Thus, give one command at a time.  For example:  the first command may be:
“Please put your shoes away.”

After this is successfully completed, the second command may be:
“Please wash your hands for dinner.”

Respectful and Polite
Starting instructions with “Please” is respectful, and helps to teach respect and manners to the child.

“Please put the toy on the shelf”

Essential Commands Only
Because some children often fail to comply with commands, parents give many commands ‘one right after another.’  When a child hears too many commands, they are likely to ignore them and not comply.  They simply become overloaded with the number of commands.  Therefore, reserve commands for times when it is important for your child to comply.  If your child does not obey, you will need to be ready to follow through with consequences.

Choices When Appropriate
Giving your child the opportunity to make choices can help him/her become more independent and develop problem solving skills.  Being able to choose gives children more control over their behavior.  For example, you might say
“It’s time to clean up.  You can put away the cars or the blocks first.”, or
“It’s time to go.  You can put on your tennis shoes or your boots.”

Tone of Voice is Neutral
Give all commands in a neutral, firm, calm, and matter-of-fact manner.  Avoid angry, frustrated, pleading or loud tones.  Parents often talk about having to raise their voices to get their child to hear them.  Some parents feel that their child is “hard of hearing”, when in fact the child has learned to “tune them out.”  Avoid repeating commands in a loud voice as this can be very frustrating for a parent, and leads to irritation with the child.

Predictable and Consistent Response
Command    →    Comply    →    Praise!
In all instances, after a command is given and the child complies, it is important to follow –up with praise.  Consistency is the key: it allows the child to learn that you are predictable.  When the child complies and behaves appropriately, you will respond positively, and when the child does not listen, or behaves incorrectly, you will respond with a consequence.  If you are consistent with this sequence of events, your child will want to comply with your directives not only to please you, but also because a predictable reward will be given for his/her efforts.

There are many ways that you can compliment (praise) your child for appropriate behaviors and compliance.  Making a list of favorite things your child likes to eat, receive, or do would be helpful.  Be sure to have a variety of choices to keep your child interested and wanting the reward.  Provide lots of verbal praises, giving hugs, a pat on the shoulder, or kiss, clapping your hands or doing high fives are all ways to express your approval.  Other rewards could include earning stickers, gaining privileges, or being allowed to participate in a special activity.

Adapted from: PCIT Sheila Eyberg, University of Florida

Parents are Models for Their Children

Parents are the most important people in a child’s life.  Parents are also the most important teachers for their children: children learn the most from their parents.

• Children learn things that their parents teach them on purpose, such as how to tie their shoes and make their beds.  They also learn by watching their parents.  In this way, parents sometimes teach their children problem behaviors.
• Children notice every little thing.  They watch their parents constantly.  They learn good behaviors (such as “please” and “thank you”) and bad behaviors (like that word you yelled when you stubbed your toe) by observing and imitating.
• Sometimes parents do things they don’t want their children to copy, such as yelling or hitting.  This usually happens when parents are frustrated or angry.  Children watch how their parents deal with angry feelings and conflicts with others.
• Children who hear their parents argue loudly or curse are very likely to yell, curse, or threaten when they are angry or in conflict with other children.
• Children who are hit or see adults push or hit are very likely to hit or push when they are angry.
• It is confusing for children to watch their parents behave in a certain way, such as swearing or hitting, and then to be punished when they swear or hit.
• Children who yell or hit often have trouble making or keeping friends, or being successful in preschool or school.  They may be avoided by other children and singled out by teachers and other parents.

When you handle conflict with your child and others calmly, you teach your child how to get along with everyone in your family.  It also teaches your child how to get along with others, such as neighborhood children, relatives, and teachers.

What you can do when you are Angry

• If you deal with your anger with behaviors that you do not want your child to copy, do not let your child see those behaviors.
• Until you find other ways to deal with your feelings, leave the presence of your child when yelling, swearing, or hitting.
• If your anger is directed at your child because of his or her misbehaviors, use these following steps:
• Recognize when you are becoming angry and leave the situation for at least one minute or until you are calm enough to deal with the situation without yelling or hitting.
• Remind yourself that you can handle the problem while remaining calm.  Your anger could actually make the situation harder to handle.
• Decide how you want to discipline your child in a way that will not teach your child that you don’t want him or her to learn.  Show them the appropriate way to express angry feelings.
• Picture yourself using that discipline in a calm manner.
• Return to your child and try to follow your plan.
• Congratulate yourself for staying calm!

When you are angry with your child’s behavior, these are some helpful things to remember.

• You can make your point by showing disappointment: a parent does not have to show strong anger to correct their child.
• Your child’s misbehavior does not mean that you are a bad parent.
• Your child’s misbehavior does not mean that your child does not respect and love you.  It simply shows that your child is in the process of learning self-control.

Your child is probably learning a lot of good behaviors by watching you.  Every time you smile or praise your child, you are teaching your child to use smiles and praises with you and others!

Adapted from Eyberg, S.M., Calzada, E., Brinkmeyer, M., Querido, J., & Funderburk, B.W. (2003)

http://www.pcit.org

Kids & Stress- Understanding Your Young Child's Emotions

Upsetting things happen in every family’s life.  Sometimes these upsetting things can be big, like when someone close to the family becomes ill or dies, when parents separate, or when a teenage child gets into trouble.  Other times these things can seem bigger to the child than to the adult, like when a pet dies or the child starts a new school.

Kids and their parents don’t show their feelings in the same way when something stressful happens.  When adults are sad or stressed, they generally know what they are feeling and why. They may explain to people around them, “I’m really down because my dad is in the hospital,” or “Sorry if I sounded mean- I’m having a hard time because I’m worried about losing my job.”  Since they can often name and recognize their feelings, they can do something to help themselves. This can mean asking for help from others, or doing things for themselves to relieve stress or feel better.

It’s usually pretty easy to tell when a child is happy or excited about something.  Kids have different ways of showing that they are stressed.  Young children usually don’t have the words to tell others what they are feeling.  Kids may not realize why they are having mixed-up feelings inside.

When young children are stressed, they often show their feelings by changing their behavior.  Sometimes little things like not getting to watch their favorite television program will make them cry hysterically or become very angry.  Other times, they may start clinging to their parents and refusing to leave them to go to school.  They may fight with their friends and say nobody likes them.  Other kids might have trouble with things they used to be able to do.  For example, a child who was potty trained may start wetting his pants again, or a child may start sucking her thumb after having stopped.  These behavior changes are kids’ ways of saying “Hey, Mom and Dad, something is bothering me!”

How Parents Can Help
There are several ways parents can help their children get through hard times.  Here are some things you can do:

NOTICE changes in your child’s behavior.  These changes can show that your child is upset and needs your support.

SPEND SPECIAL TIME with your child.  Even just 5 minutes of one-on-one playtime with toys, playing along with your child’s game, talking about whatever he or she wants.  This special time is a wonderful way to calm kids down when they are upset.  It helps them feel safe and loved no matter what.  Sometimes this special playtime can calm parents down as well!

TALK to your children about feelings.  Teach them the names for feelings and talk to them about how you are feeling.  For example:
    “It makes me happy when you are nice to your brother.”
    “I’m feeling sad because Grandpa is in the hospital.”
    “It made me angry when that car ran into me.”
    “I’m feeling nervous because I am starting a new job today.”

When you tell kids how you are feeling, it lets them know it is ok to talk about feelings.  Of course, there are some things that kids don’t need to know about.  If you are clearly upset about something you don’t think your children should know about, it’s better to say “I’m just a little sad right now.” than to tell them to leave you alone or try and make them think you aren’t upset when it is clear that you are.

TELL other people who care for your child what is happening in your child’s life.  It can help teachers and babysitters deal with your child better if they know he or she is upset about something.

Here is an example of how one mom helped her son with his feelings

Leslie was a single mom.  Her 4 year-old son, Anthony, had an older cousin, Ben, with whom he was very close.  Ben would take Anthony to the park and play with him at least once a week.  Sometimes Anthony even told people that Ben was his dad.

One day Ben was in a car accident.  He was very badly hurt and was in the hospital in a coma.  When Leslie told Anthony that Ben was hurt, he didn’t seem sad right away, he kept playing with his toy cars.  Later that night, Anthony got really mad when his sister bumped into him by accident. He started screaming at her, and punched her in the stomach.

Leslie was already upset about Ben herself.  She felt very angry that Anthony would make things worse by hurting his little sister.  It seemed for a minute that he didn’t care about Ben or how she was feeling.

Leslie told Anthony to sit by himself in the corner for three minutes for hitting. While he was in the corner, he started crying very hard.  He didn’t usually cry like that when he was sent to time-out for misbehavior.  Leslie started thinking that maybe Anthony was upset about Ben but just didn’t know how to talk about it.

After Anthony’s time in the corner was over, Leslie decided it was a good time to have their special playtime.  She thought it would be nice to do something quiet, so they got out their Crayons and colored together.  Anthony asked his mom if she would draw a picture of him and Ben.  While she was drawing, Leslie said, “I am sad about Ben getting hurt. You must feel sad, too.”  Anthony just looked down, but Leslie could see that his face was very sad.  They finished coloring and Leslie told Anthony she would take the drawing to Ben when she went to the hospital the next day.

Eyberg, S.M., Calzada, E., Brinkmeyer, M., Querido, J., & Funderburk, B.W. (2003).  Kids and stress: understanding your child’s emotions.  In L. VandeCreek & T.L. Jackson (Eds.).  Innovations in clinical practice: Focus on children and adolescents (pp. 171-172).  Sarasota, FL.: Professional Resource Press.

Handling "Terrible" Tot Behavior in Public

If your child has behavioral problems, it can be hard to take him or her even essential places like the grocery store or the doctor’s office.  Sometimes children will do things to make parents feel bad like whining, yelling, or saying mean things.  Sometimes when parents tell them to stop, kids just act worse.  Strangers may turn and watch the child, and the parents may feel embarrassed.  Sometimes kids can get away with doing things in public that they would not be allowed to do at home.  Here are some things to do to help your child be good in public.

Make a Plan Before You Leave the House
Tell your child where you will be going, and how you want him or her to act.
“We are going to Wal-Mart.  I want you to stay right by me and talk nicely.”
If there are things you know your child will probably do, like whining, tell your child that if he whines on this outing, he will have privileges taken away (tell him or her what the punishment will be, like no television for the evening).
“If you don’t stay by me or if you whine, you will not be able to watch TV tonight.”
Always remove the privilege if your child does not do what you told him or her.  If he or she behaves well, praise him or her and maybe even give him or her a little something special.
 “You stayed right by me, and you talked so nicely!  We’re going to stop and get an ice cream cone on the way out!”
Sometimes when parents get busy trying to get things done, they forget to praise their kids when they are being good.  Taking the time to praise your child will mean you will have to spend less time dealing with bad behavior.
“I like how quietly you stood right by me and waited while I talked to the lady behind the counter!”
Don’t push your child too hard.  Most kids can’t be good in public for more than a couple of hours (or less!).  If you see your child beginning to get tired, hungry, or bored, it’s a good idea to go home or at least take a break and do something fun for your child.  Try not to take your child out past his or her bedtime or during times when he or she is usually napping.
Try to plan at least part of your trip that will be fun for your child.  For example, if you are at the mall, you could walk through a store your child enjoys, like a pet or toy store.  Even though this takes more of your time, it will give your child something to look forward to and help him or her act better.
“We have to go to the doctor’s office today.  After the doctor’s office we will stop by McDonald’s for lunch and play in the Playland.  Then we will go to the grocery store.”

Bring along small toys, books, and snacks to help keep your child from getting bored or hungry.

Effective Ignoring
Ignoring can be really hard for parents to do in public.  You may feel bad about ignoring your child in front of strangers because they may think you do not care about your child or are being “mean”.  You may feel bad about how your child is acting and want to make him or her stop right away.  Sometimes it may be easier just to give the child what he or she wants.
Jane and her daughter Tasha are at the grocery store in the checkout line.  Tasha says “Mom, can I have a candy bar?”
Jane says “No, it’s time for dinner.”
Tasha yells: “But mom, I want one! I’m hungry!  You’re a mean mom!” She starts to cry and stomps her feet.
People are looking over at Jane and Tasha.  Jane feels embarrassed.  She buys Tasha the candy bar so she will be quiet.
The next time Jane and Tasha go to the grocery store, Tasha knows what to do in order to get a candy bar.  She just has to yell and stomp her feet until her mom feels bad and buys it for her.

When you ignore your child when he or she acts up in public, your child learns that he or she is not going to get his or her way by yelling and crying.  Your child will probably “test” you, (act even worse at first) to see if you can keep this control even if he or she whines, yells, screams, or lies on the floor and kicks.  If you continue ignoring your child, he or she will know that crying and yelling don’t work anymore.
Remember the longer you and your child have been dealing with this problem, the longer it may take to show your child that you are in control.  You may have to ignore him or her more than once before he or she gets the point.

Public Time Out
Public time out is the same as at home, with a few small changes.
Before going out, tell your child that you are going to use time-out in the place you are going.  Explain that time out will be the same as it is at home.  Keep a small blanket or placemat with you to use at the “time-out chair”, so that time-out can be done anywhere.  When you need to choose a time-out spot, choose a place where there is nothing fun for the child to do and where the child is likely not to get attention from others.
If your child refuses to stay on the “time-out mat”, follow the time-out room procedure and plan for a place to be used as the time-out room.  This could be outside of the store, or in the car.
Some parents have put their children on benches in the mall, the front steps during church, or the corner of a grocery store.  Always watch your child while he or she is in time-out but do this without giving undue negative attention.

Contact a therapist or other professional about any problems that come up.

Adapted from The University of Florida PCIT training manual

What Is Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)?

a review of a treatment model for children with problem behaviors...

Disruptive Behaviors Defined

Disruptive Behaviors in children can be defined broadly as based upon the symptoms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Conduct Disorder as specified in the DSM-IV.  These symptoms might be aggression, non-compliance, disruptive classroom behaviors, or delinquency.  Research indicates that Disruptive  Behaviors emerge from a combination of many child and family factors.  Child factors such as temperament or hyperactivity combine with family effects like poverty, stress, anger, or single-parent status, to reinforce child Disruptive Behaviors.  Furthermore, Social-Learning Theory asserts that child behavior problems are inadvertently established and maintained by dysfunctional parent-child interactions.  

Breaking the Coercive Cycle

Through this cycle of reinforcement, the negative behaviors of these children often increase, as does the escalation of the parent’s discipline strategies.  The strong relationship between certain familial situations and child Disruptive Behaviors suggests that a successful treatment should focus on changing parent-child interactions.  Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) is a short-term treatment for children ages 2-12 that places that emphasis on improving the quality of the parent-child relationship. 

Structure of PCIT

PCIT takes place with the parent in a playroom with their child and the therapist behind a one-way mirror communicating to the parent through an earpiece.  In the first phase of PCIT, parents are taught specific skills to re-structure their relationship with their child while decreasing any Disruptive Behaviors.   Parents are coached to recognize their children’s many positive qualities. When there are behavioral concerns, as parents grow to appreciate their children more, they tend to pay more attention to their positive characteristics, and in turn children become more eager to please and seek negative attention less often.  This first phase is particularly appropriate when there has been a separation of child and parent, such as is found when a child is placed into protective custody, foster care, adoption, and in custody disputes.  

In the second phase of treatment parents learn to use specific behavior management techniques as they play with their child.  This phase is introduced only after families have successfully mastered the first phase of treatment.  The clinician works with the parent on managing specific behaviors by using effective time-out procedures, re-direction, rewards and consequences.

Several questionnaires are used at the beginning, middle, and end of the family’s program to gauge improvement in the areas identified by the parent.  Each session is also “coded” to graph the parent’s use of the five primary skills and the time-out method taught in PCIT.  The program can be conducted in the family’s home, as well as with or without siblings.

Outcome Research

Research has shown that families who have completed PCIT have significant improvements in the parent-child interactions and behavioral problems of children at home and in school.  Parents also report a high level of satisfaction with the PCIT treatment program, less personal distress, and more confidence in their ability to manage their child’s behaviors.  

Implications for Practitioners

In today’s climate of managed care, clinicians are challenged to utilize short-term, evidenced-based treatment models.  After approximately 4 therapy hours, marked improvements can be seen in several areas of family interaction.  An average family can expect to invest about 10-16 therapy hours before graduating from the program.

The presence of Disruptive Behaviors in preschoolers predicts anti-social behaviors in adolescence.  Given the poor prognosis of untreated Disruptive Behaviors in young children, the utilization of PCIT, one of the only evidence-based and early intervention models, seems not only necessary, but best-practice for young children experiencing behavioral problems.

For more information contact:

Sarah Carlson LMFT

Lisa Andrews LPC

970-472-1207

www.p-cic.com