Parents are Models for Their Children

Parents are the most important people in a child’s life.  Parents are also the most important teachers for their children: children learn the most from their parents.

• Children learn things that their parents teach them on purpose, such as how to tie their shoes and make their beds.  They also learn by watching their parents.  In this way, parents sometimes teach their children problem behaviors.
• Children notice every little thing.  They watch their parents constantly.  They learn good behaviors (such as “please” and “thank you”) and bad behaviors (like that word you yelled when you stubbed your toe) by observing and imitating.
• Sometimes parents do things they don’t want their children to copy, such as yelling or hitting.  This usually happens when parents are frustrated or angry.  Children watch how their parents deal with angry feelings and conflicts with others.
• Children who hear their parents argue loudly or curse are very likely to yell, curse, or threaten when they are angry or in conflict with other children.
• Children who are hit or see adults push or hit are very likely to hit or push when they are angry.
• It is confusing for children to watch their parents behave in a certain way, such as swearing or hitting, and then to be punished when they swear or hit.
• Children who yell or hit often have trouble making or keeping friends, or being successful in preschool or school.  They may be avoided by other children and singled out by teachers and other parents.

When you handle conflict with your child and others calmly, you teach your child how to get along with everyone in your family.  It also teaches your child how to get along with others, such as neighborhood children, relatives, and teachers.

What you can do when you are Angry

• If you deal with your anger with behaviors that you do not want your child to copy, do not let your child see those behaviors.
• Until you find other ways to deal with your feelings, leave the presence of your child when yelling, swearing, or hitting.
• If your anger is directed at your child because of his or her misbehaviors, use these following steps:
• Recognize when you are becoming angry and leave the situation for at least one minute or until you are calm enough to deal with the situation without yelling or hitting.
• Remind yourself that you can handle the problem while remaining calm.  Your anger could actually make the situation harder to handle.
• Decide how you want to discipline your child in a way that will not teach your child that you don’t want him or her to learn.  Show them the appropriate way to express angry feelings.
• Picture yourself using that discipline in a calm manner.
• Return to your child and try to follow your plan.
• Congratulate yourself for staying calm!

When you are angry with your child’s behavior, these are some helpful things to remember.

• You can make your point by showing disappointment: a parent does not have to show strong anger to correct their child.
• Your child’s misbehavior does not mean that you are a bad parent.
• Your child’s misbehavior does not mean that your child does not respect and love you.  It simply shows that your child is in the process of learning self-control.

Your child is probably learning a lot of good behaviors by watching you.  Every time you smile or praise your child, you are teaching your child to use smiles and praises with you and others!

Adapted from Eyberg, S.M., Calzada, E., Brinkmeyer, M., Querido, J., & Funderburk, B.W. (2003)

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Kids & Stress- Understanding Your Young Child's Emotions

Upsetting things happen in every family’s life.  Sometimes these upsetting things can be big, like when someone close to the family becomes ill or dies, when parents separate, or when a teenage child gets into trouble.  Other times these things can seem bigger to the child than to the adult, like when a pet dies or the child starts a new school.

Kids and their parents don’t show their feelings in the same way when something stressful happens.  When adults are sad or stressed, they generally know what they are feeling and why. They may explain to people around them, “I’m really down because my dad is in the hospital,” or “Sorry if I sounded mean- I’m having a hard time because I’m worried about losing my job.”  Since they can often name and recognize their feelings, they can do something to help themselves. This can mean asking for help from others, or doing things for themselves to relieve stress or feel better.

It’s usually pretty easy to tell when a child is happy or excited about something.  Kids have different ways of showing that they are stressed.  Young children usually don’t have the words to tell others what they are feeling.  Kids may not realize why they are having mixed-up feelings inside.

When young children are stressed, they often show their feelings by changing their behavior.  Sometimes little things like not getting to watch their favorite television program will make them cry hysterically or become very angry.  Other times, they may start clinging to their parents and refusing to leave them to go to school.  They may fight with their friends and say nobody likes them.  Other kids might have trouble with things they used to be able to do.  For example, a child who was potty trained may start wetting his pants again, or a child may start sucking her thumb after having stopped.  These behavior changes are kids’ ways of saying “Hey, Mom and Dad, something is bothering me!”

How Parents Can Help
There are several ways parents can help their children get through hard times.  Here are some things you can do:

NOTICE changes in your child’s behavior.  These changes can show that your child is upset and needs your support.

SPEND SPECIAL TIME with your child.  Even just 5 minutes of one-on-one playtime with toys, playing along with your child’s game, talking about whatever he or she wants.  This special time is a wonderful way to calm kids down when they are upset.  It helps them feel safe and loved no matter what.  Sometimes this special playtime can calm parents down as well!

TALK to your children about feelings.  Teach them the names for feelings and talk to them about how you are feeling.  For example:
    “It makes me happy when you are nice to your brother.”
    “I’m feeling sad because Grandpa is in the hospital.”
    “It made me angry when that car ran into me.”
    “I’m feeling nervous because I am starting a new job today.”

When you tell kids how you are feeling, it lets them know it is ok to talk about feelings.  Of course, there are some things that kids don’t need to know about.  If you are clearly upset about something you don’t think your children should know about, it’s better to say “I’m just a little sad right now.” than to tell them to leave you alone or try and make them think you aren’t upset when it is clear that you are.

TELL other people who care for your child what is happening in your child’s life.  It can help teachers and babysitters deal with your child better if they know he or she is upset about something.

Here is an example of how one mom helped her son with his feelings

Leslie was a single mom.  Her 4 year-old son, Anthony, had an older cousin, Ben, with whom he was very close.  Ben would take Anthony to the park and play with him at least once a week.  Sometimes Anthony even told people that Ben was his dad.

One day Ben was in a car accident.  He was very badly hurt and was in the hospital in a coma.  When Leslie told Anthony that Ben was hurt, he didn’t seem sad right away, he kept playing with his toy cars.  Later that night, Anthony got really mad when his sister bumped into him by accident. He started screaming at her, and punched her in the stomach.

Leslie was already upset about Ben herself.  She felt very angry that Anthony would make things worse by hurting his little sister.  It seemed for a minute that he didn’t care about Ben or how she was feeling.

Leslie told Anthony to sit by himself in the corner for three minutes for hitting. While he was in the corner, he started crying very hard.  He didn’t usually cry like that when he was sent to time-out for misbehavior.  Leslie started thinking that maybe Anthony was upset about Ben but just didn’t know how to talk about it.

After Anthony’s time in the corner was over, Leslie decided it was a good time to have their special playtime.  She thought it would be nice to do something quiet, so they got out their Crayons and colored together.  Anthony asked his mom if she would draw a picture of him and Ben.  While she was drawing, Leslie said, “I am sad about Ben getting hurt. You must feel sad, too.”  Anthony just looked down, but Leslie could see that his face was very sad.  They finished coloring and Leslie told Anthony she would take the drawing to Ben when she went to the hospital the next day.

Eyberg, S.M., Calzada, E., Brinkmeyer, M., Querido, J., & Funderburk, B.W. (2003).  Kids and stress: understanding your child’s emotions.  In L. VandeCreek & T.L. Jackson (Eds.).  Innovations in clinical practice: Focus on children and adolescents (pp. 171-172).  Sarasota, FL.: Professional Resource Press.

Handling "Terrible" Tot Behavior in Public

If your child has behavioral problems, it can be hard to take him or her even essential places like the grocery store or the doctor’s office.  Sometimes children will do things to make parents feel bad like whining, yelling, or saying mean things.  Sometimes when parents tell them to stop, kids just act worse.  Strangers may turn and watch the child, and the parents may feel embarrassed.  Sometimes kids can get away with doing things in public that they would not be allowed to do at home.  Here are some things to do to help your child be good in public.

Make a Plan Before You Leave the House
Tell your child where you will be going, and how you want him or her to act.
“We are going to Wal-Mart.  I want you to stay right by me and talk nicely.”
If there are things you know your child will probably do, like whining, tell your child that if he whines on this outing, he will have privileges taken away (tell him or her what the punishment will be, like no television for the evening).
“If you don’t stay by me or if you whine, you will not be able to watch TV tonight.”
Always remove the privilege if your child does not do what you told him or her.  If he or she behaves well, praise him or her and maybe even give him or her a little something special.
 “You stayed right by me, and you talked so nicely!  We’re going to stop and get an ice cream cone on the way out!”
Sometimes when parents get busy trying to get things done, they forget to praise their kids when they are being good.  Taking the time to praise your child will mean you will have to spend less time dealing with bad behavior.
“I like how quietly you stood right by me and waited while I talked to the lady behind the counter!”
Don’t push your child too hard.  Most kids can’t be good in public for more than a couple of hours (or less!).  If you see your child beginning to get tired, hungry, or bored, it’s a good idea to go home or at least take a break and do something fun for your child.  Try not to take your child out past his or her bedtime or during times when he or she is usually napping.
Try to plan at least part of your trip that will be fun for your child.  For example, if you are at the mall, you could walk through a store your child enjoys, like a pet or toy store.  Even though this takes more of your time, it will give your child something to look forward to and help him or her act better.
“We have to go to the doctor’s office today.  After the doctor’s office we will stop by McDonald’s for lunch and play in the Playland.  Then we will go to the grocery store.”

Bring along small toys, books, and snacks to help keep your child from getting bored or hungry.

Effective Ignoring
Ignoring can be really hard for parents to do in public.  You may feel bad about ignoring your child in front of strangers because they may think you do not care about your child or are being “mean”.  You may feel bad about how your child is acting and want to make him or her stop right away.  Sometimes it may be easier just to give the child what he or she wants.
Jane and her daughter Tasha are at the grocery store in the checkout line.  Tasha says “Mom, can I have a candy bar?”
Jane says “No, it’s time for dinner.”
Tasha yells: “But mom, I want one! I’m hungry!  You’re a mean mom!” She starts to cry and stomps her feet.
People are looking over at Jane and Tasha.  Jane feels embarrassed.  She buys Tasha the candy bar so she will be quiet.
The next time Jane and Tasha go to the grocery store, Tasha knows what to do in order to get a candy bar.  She just has to yell and stomp her feet until her mom feels bad and buys it for her.

When you ignore your child when he or she acts up in public, your child learns that he or she is not going to get his or her way by yelling and crying.  Your child will probably “test” you, (act even worse at first) to see if you can keep this control even if he or she whines, yells, screams, or lies on the floor and kicks.  If you continue ignoring your child, he or she will know that crying and yelling don’t work anymore.
Remember the longer you and your child have been dealing with this problem, the longer it may take to show your child that you are in control.  You may have to ignore him or her more than once before he or she gets the point.

Public Time Out
Public time out is the same as at home, with a few small changes.
Before going out, tell your child that you are going to use time-out in the place you are going.  Explain that time out will be the same as it is at home.  Keep a small blanket or placemat with you to use at the “time-out chair”, so that time-out can be done anywhere.  When you need to choose a time-out spot, choose a place where there is nothing fun for the child to do and where the child is likely not to get attention from others.
If your child refuses to stay on the “time-out mat”, follow the time-out room procedure and plan for a place to be used as the time-out room.  This could be outside of the store, or in the car.
Some parents have put their children on benches in the mall, the front steps during church, or the corner of a grocery store.  Always watch your child while he or she is in time-out but do this without giving undue negative attention.

Contact a therapist or other professional about any problems that come up.

Adapted from The University of Florida PCIT training manual