Make a Plan Before You Leave the House
Tell your child where you will be going, and how you want him or her to act.
“We are going to Wal-Mart. I want you to stay right by me and talk nicely.”
If there are things you know your child will probably do, like whining, tell your child that if he whines on this outing, he will have privileges taken away (tell him or her what the punishment will be, like no television for the evening).
“If you don’t stay by me or if you whine, you will not be able to watch TV tonight.”
Always remove the privilege if your child does not do what you told him or her. If he or she behaves well, praise him or her and maybe even give him or her a little something special.
“You stayed right by me, and you talked so nicely! We’re going to stop and get an ice cream cone on the way out!”
Sometimes when parents get busy trying to get things done, they forget to praise their kids when they are being good. Taking the time to praise your child will mean you will have to spend less time dealing with bad behavior.
“I like how quietly you stood right by me and waited while I talked to the lady behind the counter!”
Don’t push your child too hard. Most kids can’t be good in public for more than a couple of hours (or less!). If you see your child beginning to get tired, hungry, or bored, it’s a good idea to go home or at least take a break and do something fun for your child. Try not to take your child out past his or her bedtime or during times when he or she is usually napping.
Try to plan at least part of your trip that will be fun for your child. For example, if you are at the mall, you could walk through a store your child enjoys, like a pet or toy store. Even though this takes more of your time, it will give your child something to look forward to and help him or her act better.
“We have to go to the doctor’s office today. After the doctor’s office we will stop by McDonald’s for lunch and play in the Playland. Then we will go to the grocery store.”
Bring along small toys, books, and snacks to help keep your child from getting bored or hungry.
Effective Ignoring
Ignoring can be really hard for parents to do in public. You may feel bad about ignoring your child in front of strangers because they may think you do not care about your child or are being “mean”. You may feel bad about how your child is acting and want to make him or her stop right away. Sometimes it may be easier just to give the child what he or she wants.
Jane and her daughter Tasha are at the grocery store in the checkout line. Tasha says “Mom, can I have a candy bar?”
Jane says “No, it’s time for dinner.”
Tasha yells: “But mom, I want one! I’m hungry! You’re a mean mom!” She starts to cry and stomps her feet.
People are looking over at Jane and Tasha. Jane feels embarrassed. She buys Tasha the candy bar so she will be quiet.
The next time Jane and Tasha go to the grocery store, Tasha knows what to do in order to get a candy bar. She just has to yell and stomp her feet until her mom feels bad and buys it for her.
When you ignore your child when he or she acts up in public, your child learns that he or she is not going to get his or her way by yelling and crying. Your child will probably “test” you, (act even worse at first) to see if you can keep this control even if he or she whines, yells, screams, or lies on the floor and kicks. If you continue ignoring your child, he or she will know that crying and yelling don’t work anymore.
Remember the longer you and your child have been dealing with this problem, the longer it may take to show your child that you are in control. You may have to ignore him or her more than once before he or she gets the point.
Public Time Out
Public time out is the same as at home, with a few small changes.
Before going out, tell your child that you are going to use time-out in the place you are going. Explain that time out will be the same as it is at home. Keep a small blanket or placemat with you to use at the “time-out chair”, so that time-out can be done anywhere. When you need to choose a time-out spot, choose a place where there is nothing fun for the child to do and where the child is likely not to get attention from others.
If your child refuses to stay on the “time-out mat”, follow the time-out room procedure and plan for a place to be used as the time-out room. This could be outside of the store, or in the car.
Some parents have put their children on benches in the mall, the front steps during church, or the corner of a grocery store. Always watch your child while he or she is in time-out but do this without giving undue negative attention.
Contact a therapist or other professional about any problems that come up.
Adapted from The University of Florida PCIT training manual
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