Kids & Stress- Understanding Your Young Child's Emotions

Upsetting things happen in every family’s life.  Sometimes these upsetting things can be big, like when someone close to the family becomes ill or dies, when parents separate, or when a teenage child gets into trouble.  Other times these things can seem bigger to the child than to the adult, like when a pet dies or the child starts a new school.

Kids and their parents don’t show their feelings in the same way when something stressful happens.  When adults are sad or stressed, they generally know what they are feeling and why. They may explain to people around them, “I’m really down because my dad is in the hospital,” or “Sorry if I sounded mean- I’m having a hard time because I’m worried about losing my job.”  Since they can often name and recognize their feelings, they can do something to help themselves. This can mean asking for help from others, or doing things for themselves to relieve stress or feel better.

It’s usually pretty easy to tell when a child is happy or excited about something.  Kids have different ways of showing that they are stressed.  Young children usually don’t have the words to tell others what they are feeling.  Kids may not realize why they are having mixed-up feelings inside.

When young children are stressed, they often show their feelings by changing their behavior.  Sometimes little things like not getting to watch their favorite television program will make them cry hysterically or become very angry.  Other times, they may start clinging to their parents and refusing to leave them to go to school.  They may fight with their friends and say nobody likes them.  Other kids might have trouble with things they used to be able to do.  For example, a child who was potty trained may start wetting his pants again, or a child may start sucking her thumb after having stopped.  These behavior changes are kids’ ways of saying “Hey, Mom and Dad, something is bothering me!”

How Parents Can Help
There are several ways parents can help their children get through hard times.  Here are some things you can do:

NOTICE changes in your child’s behavior.  These changes can show that your child is upset and needs your support.

SPEND SPECIAL TIME with your child.  Even just 5 minutes of one-on-one playtime with toys, playing along with your child’s game, talking about whatever he or she wants.  This special time is a wonderful way to calm kids down when they are upset.  It helps them feel safe and loved no matter what.  Sometimes this special playtime can calm parents down as well!

TALK to your children about feelings.  Teach them the names for feelings and talk to them about how you are feeling.  For example:
    “It makes me happy when you are nice to your brother.”
    “I’m feeling sad because Grandpa is in the hospital.”
    “It made me angry when that car ran into me.”
    “I’m feeling nervous because I am starting a new job today.”

When you tell kids how you are feeling, it lets them know it is ok to talk about feelings.  Of course, there are some things that kids don’t need to know about.  If you are clearly upset about something you don’t think your children should know about, it’s better to say “I’m just a little sad right now.” than to tell them to leave you alone or try and make them think you aren’t upset when it is clear that you are.

TELL other people who care for your child what is happening in your child’s life.  It can help teachers and babysitters deal with your child better if they know he or she is upset about something.

Here is an example of how one mom helped her son with his feelings

Leslie was a single mom.  Her 4 year-old son, Anthony, had an older cousin, Ben, with whom he was very close.  Ben would take Anthony to the park and play with him at least once a week.  Sometimes Anthony even told people that Ben was his dad.

One day Ben was in a car accident.  He was very badly hurt and was in the hospital in a coma.  When Leslie told Anthony that Ben was hurt, he didn’t seem sad right away, he kept playing with his toy cars.  Later that night, Anthony got really mad when his sister bumped into him by accident. He started screaming at her, and punched her in the stomach.

Leslie was already upset about Ben herself.  She felt very angry that Anthony would make things worse by hurting his little sister.  It seemed for a minute that he didn’t care about Ben or how she was feeling.

Leslie told Anthony to sit by himself in the corner for three minutes for hitting. While he was in the corner, he started crying very hard.  He didn’t usually cry like that when he was sent to time-out for misbehavior.  Leslie started thinking that maybe Anthony was upset about Ben but just didn’t know how to talk about it.

After Anthony’s time in the corner was over, Leslie decided it was a good time to have their special playtime.  She thought it would be nice to do something quiet, so they got out their Crayons and colored together.  Anthony asked his mom if she would draw a picture of him and Ben.  While she was drawing, Leslie said, “I am sad about Ben getting hurt. You must feel sad, too.”  Anthony just looked down, but Leslie could see that his face was very sad.  They finished coloring and Leslie told Anthony she would take the drawing to Ben when she went to the hospital the next day.

Eyberg, S.M., Calzada, E., Brinkmeyer, M., Querido, J., & Funderburk, B.W. (2003).  Kids and stress: understanding your child’s emotions.  In L. VandeCreek & T.L. Jackson (Eds.).  Innovations in clinical practice: Focus on children and adolescents (pp. 171-172).  Sarasota, FL.: Professional Resource Press.