Parents are Models for Their Children

Parents are the most important people in a child’s life.  Parents are also the most important teachers for their children: children learn the most from their parents.

• Children learn things that their parents teach them on purpose, such as how to tie their shoes and make their beds.  They also learn by watching their parents.  In this way, parents sometimes teach their children problem behaviors.
• Children notice every little thing.  They watch their parents constantly.  They learn good behaviors (such as “please” and “thank you”) and bad behaviors (like that word you yelled when you stubbed your toe) by observing and imitating.
• Sometimes parents do things they don’t want their children to copy, such as yelling or hitting.  This usually happens when parents are frustrated or angry.  Children watch how their parents deal with angry feelings and conflicts with others.
• Children who hear their parents argue loudly or curse are very likely to yell, curse, or threaten when they are angry or in conflict with other children.
• Children who are hit or see adults push or hit are very likely to hit or push when they are angry.
• It is confusing for children to watch their parents behave in a certain way, such as swearing or hitting, and then to be punished when they swear or hit.
• Children who yell or hit often have trouble making or keeping friends, or being successful in preschool or school.  They may be avoided by other children and singled out by teachers and other parents.

When you handle conflict with your child and others calmly, you teach your child how to get along with everyone in your family.  It also teaches your child how to get along with others, such as neighborhood children, relatives, and teachers.

What you can do when you are Angry

• If you deal with your anger with behaviors that you do not want your child to copy, do not let your child see those behaviors.
• Until you find other ways to deal with your feelings, leave the presence of your child when yelling, swearing, or hitting.
• If your anger is directed at your child because of his or her misbehaviors, use these following steps:
• Recognize when you are becoming angry and leave the situation for at least one minute or until you are calm enough to deal with the situation without yelling or hitting.
• Remind yourself that you can handle the problem while remaining calm.  Your anger could actually make the situation harder to handle.
• Decide how you want to discipline your child in a way that will not teach your child that you don’t want him or her to learn.  Show them the appropriate way to express angry feelings.
• Picture yourself using that discipline in a calm manner.
• Return to your child and try to follow your plan.
• Congratulate yourself for staying calm!

When you are angry with your child’s behavior, these are some helpful things to remember.

• You can make your point by showing disappointment: a parent does not have to show strong anger to correct their child.
• Your child’s misbehavior does not mean that you are a bad parent.
• Your child’s misbehavior does not mean that your child does not respect and love you.  It simply shows that your child is in the process of learning self-control.

Your child is probably learning a lot of good behaviors by watching you.  Every time you smile or praise your child, you are teaching your child to use smiles and praises with you and others!

Adapted from Eyberg, S.M., Calzada, E., Brinkmeyer, M., Querido, J., & Funderburk, B.W. (2003)

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